A car ride and a lesson learned.

I’ve been alive on this earth for 35 and a half years. I think my first memories are around the 3-year-old range so there are about 3 years I can’t even account for. So, of the 32 years or so that I can remember, I have lived an extremely healthy life. Last week, my uncle Louie passed away after battling M.S. for 37 years. He was diagnosed in his early 30’s and died just shy of his 65^th birthday. He battled an extremely and aggressively debilitating disease throughout his adult years longer than I have even been alive. He went from being a long-distance runner who owned a restaurant to living the last 20 years of his life inside a nursing home with absolutely zero control over the function of his body. To say I can’t even fathom what that must have been like is the understatement of the year. In these weird pandemic times, I’m positive we’ve all asked God a few questions. Why is this happening? Will things ever go back to normal? I’m absolutely positive my uncle spent the last 37 years of his life asking the same questions.

A few weeks ago, I needed to take my dog to the vet because of an eye infection. My mother, who I’m currently living with, suggested we go together so she could run an errand while I was inside the vet with my dog. It made sense so I said ok! We took her car and started our trek. It was halfway through the drive when she asked if I had my mask. Phone, wallet, keys, mask. That has become the unfortunate and begrudgingly new normal. I always keep my mask in my car and did not think about it until it was already too late. My mother did not have any extra masks in her car that we could find. I forgot my mask and I also forgot to put on my patience pants that day, which is very typical. So, I went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. I flipped out and was going on and on about how I knew this was a bad idea. We should have gone separately, and this never would’ve happened. There was no way I could go into the vet without my mask so she was going to have to wait in the car for however long the appointment took and then I was going to have to go with her to run her errand. I was annoyed, impatient, and not very pleasant or nice in the moment. We spent the rest of the car ride in silence.

After arriving to the vet, my appointment that was only supposed to take 15 minutes was now pushed back because they had run behind schedule and I could not go into the room with my dog and was told I would have to go wait outside in my car. As you can imagine, this was thrilling news for an already enraged person. Did I mention it was pouring down rain? I flipped my hood over my head and walked out the door scanning the lot for where my mother had parked. After realizing the car was nowhere in sight, I called her phone to find out that she went to go run her errand after digging through her purse and finding another mask buried deep within. I told her to get what she needed, and I would go back into PetSmart and wander the isles. But I gave her a very stern “hurry up” as I did not want to be inconvenienced anymore. I had HAD IT. Painting an incredibly good picture of myself, right?

My mother eventually made it back and there was no sign of my dog being ready for pick up, so we decided to head down the street to look at some furniture that I was in the market for. I should’ve kept my mask on to prevent me from spewing anymore ugly word vomit, but I decided to break the silence with more attitude about the stupid people at the vet. My mother, who was driving the car, simply uttered in a very calm and sad voice…” Things could always be worse. You could be Uncle Louie right now”.  I was speechless. My rage high had taken a very necessary blow right to the gut and face. I just turned to my mother, grabbed her hand and said… “You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry”. Who did I think I was? Obviously, I thought I was the only person in the world experiencing the tiniest disturbance to life. I’ve never been more grateful for my mother in that moment. And I’ve never been more grateful to God for the most simple and basic thing we all take for granted each day…our health.

I know I’m not completely alone in how I acted that day. I gather we’ve all been there. We’ve all let our impatience get the best of us, at least I hope I’m not alone! I acted like a jerk and thank God I had somewhere there to set me straight. We all go through moments of personal struggle, sometimes seasons. Others go through a complete lifetime of constant struggle. Case in point is my uncle. His disease officially ran its course longer than I’ve been alive today. I come from a Christian family, on both my father and mother’s side. My uncle Louie is my mother’s younger brother. The youngest of 5. He was a Christian and though he undoubtedly had his moments of anger with God over his long and hard-fought battle, he never lost his way. God never gave up on him, and my uncle never gave up on God. Just like Job from the old testament. I can say that my uncle Louie was one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. A 37-year long death sentence would be enough for anyone to faulter on their journey with their faith, but not for him. I wonder if I could ever have that same strength. I’d like to think the answer is yes.

I can say with almost absolute certainty that my uncle never got answers for any of his questions. I don’t think God revealed to him why he went through what he went through, let alone any doctor telling him why he was diagnosed with such a terrible disease. But I can, without a doubt, say that he has all the answers now. The second he took his last breath on earth and opened his eyes to meet his maker, everything made complete sense and the 37-year struggle was gone in an instant. It’s interesting to think how he went from being in a wheelchair for the last 20 plus years without the use of his legs and hands, to running and jumping and doing handstands through the hills and fields of heaven. And how it’s only been a week since he died, but to him, time does not exist where he is today. Maybe he can’t even remember what it feels like to be sick. What an amazing thought.

How about the answers to your questions in your life? I know that I don’t have most answers for all my questions. I don’t know why the pandemic had to happen or why I had to lose my job or when I will return to work or even if I will return to my field of work ever in general! I don’t know why certain people get sick with diseases and others don’t. I don’t know why parents lose their children or younger children lose their parents before it’s time. I gather most people will spend their lives asking questions and never receive the answers. Maybe some do if they are patient enough and observant enough in their own lives to realize the lessons they learned because of the struggles they had to face. Maybe instead of chasing the answers, we should trust that everything happens for a reason and that most things are out of our control. But I do know who IS in control. And my comfort lies in my faith that the one who is truly in control will never abandon us. Whether we are stuck in a bed in a nursing home year after year dying a slow a painful death, or whether we simply suffer from impatience because we can’t get our way. God will always show up, sometimes in the form of a mother driving her ungrateful son around, who is hurting and thinking about her dying brother. Maybe it takes other peoples struggles to wake you up from your own and see the light.

RIP Uncle Louie. You fought a long, hard, and courageous battle. One I would probably never make it through. You are a winner though. You may have lost the battle, but you won the war. You beat the devil playing all his cards. You did not faulter. You are now on the other side. We will all meet you there.  

Pictured: my mother and her brother, my Uncle Louie